My Precious Buttons


What would I do without you
My precious fury friend?
Part mischief but all blessing
and faithful to the end.

You look at me with eyes of love
you never hold a grudge....
You think I’m far to wonderful
to criticize or judge.

It seems your greatest joy in life
is being close to me...
I think God knew how comforting
that you will be to me.

Sometimes I can swear you’re human
even though that is not true...
The world would be a nicer place
If folks were more like you.

A few short years are all we have:
One day we’ll have to part...
But you, my pet, will always have
A place within my heart!

Dooms day (written on Weds Sept. 9, 2009)

This morning I was awaken with an alarming thought ringing loudly in my head. I looked out my window and darkness still reigned. I had yet a few more hours to get ready in peace and quiet before the final hour. I went about my usual morning routine while 10:10 wins on the radio belted out the latest news, weather and commercials in between.

I do not falter in my morning rituals. It is the same routine day after day. I do this without even thinking and most of the time with my eyes half closed. This morning was a bit different. There was an edge about me, a nervous frenzy, and haste. What usually takes me about an hour and a half of one, took me just about 45mnts. It was a Glorious Victory of sorts. I even had enough time to actually sit and have a cup of coffee heading out of the door to journey my way to the office.

Oh how I love moments like these. Moments of peace and a comforting silence that envelopes you in bliss. The first sip of coffee is always the best; kissing my lips with its warmth and awakening in me the ability to tread on another day. Yes. It’s that serious. I savor each sip sometimes closing my eyes and feeling the warm liquid make its way down. Delicious. Perfect. Delightful.

Ehem, enough about that. I grabbed my golden colored purse made sure my Poochie had enough water to drink and walked out the door. Now this is where it gets interesting. Usually walking to the train station, it is quite quiet. I tend to hear music and walk along to the beat; arms pumping back and forth legs trying to keep up as the music playing from my iPod vibrates throughout my entire body uplifting my spirit and bring a smile to my face. This day in particular was different. This day would change my routine for months to come. IT’S BACK TO SCHOOL DAY!!!!

Today hundreds of kids in my neighborhood and adjoining ones arose early each to reach their designated schools. They plague the streets with new book bags; clothes, sneakers and the first day of school jitters each of them with a smile on their face as they march almost rhythmically to a beat only they can hear.

For a moment, it brought a smile to my face as I saw in their faces the glee of a new start the excitement of the unknown, a fresh new beginning. Hope. Then reality hit. From now till June, mornings will never be the same. Now what was a packed train will now be super packed train full of young girls laughing loudly and talking at ear piercing levels. Young guys with the music from the headphones so loud it’s a wonder they still can hear.

I stand plastered against one of the doors that will lead you into the next car, with not even an inch more to move. Strangers faces so close to me I can see every bump on their faces and smell the coffee on their breaths or other not very pleasant odors.

The entire train car can hear a conversation going on by two teenage girls about their summer and expectations of the school year as well as guys they were newly dating. Its seven stops before I reach the destination in which I will transfer to an express train that will take me to my final destination and I am forced to hear this teenage gossip. Finally, the train stops and we all turn towards the doors that will soon open up and we all will file out and begin to walk taking tiny steps toward the stairs. We look like sheep being herded on the pasture.

I take a look around me one moment and notice so many new young faces. I am already exhausted and tired and I have yet to reach the office and the noise around me is at a deafening level.

I finally reach the second level and wait for the express train. Near me there are a few student also waiting for the same train and I tuned into them listening to them speak about what teachers they hope to have and which ones they want to avoid. They are already planning to “cut” any classes they feel they don’t need.

We pile into the train and for the next few minutes all the adults here are also being subjected to more summer gossip and extremely loud laughing.

Finally I walk into my office, sit down in my chair and breathe deeply. I am safe for the time being until the next morning. It is a small and glorious victory.

True Love

oh how i yearn to hear your voice
your laughter ringing sweetly in my ear
oh how i miss spending time with you
taking long walks with no real destination in mind

long conversations about nothing and everything
silly jokes
playful banter
your hugs
your smile that touches the most intimate ares of my heart

how i miss looking into your eyes
feeling secure in your gaze
feeling protected
appreciated

your caress
your friendship
your support

how i miss leaning my head on your shoulder
being understood
being cared for
being part of a pair

Loving each other and Him

true companionship
true love
true contentment

I miss you and yet...I've never met you.

Tu me has salvado

mi amor, te busco
te busco con los ojos de mi corazón
eres lo que más anhelo, lo que más quiero
eres la ispiración de mís dias
el que hace vibrar mi vida
el unico que puedes seducirme de tal manera
que no puedo resistir
eres el que forma en mís labios una sonrisa
el que colma mi ser de gozo y alegría

no podría vivir sin ti
sin ti dejaría de respirar
sin ti mi vida seria una eterna desilución
sin ti mis ojos no cesarían de brotar lagrimas
de dolor, soledad, tristesas

sin tu presensenia
sin tu amor
sin tu comprención
sin tu tenura
sin tu perdón
sin tu aliento

ciertamente moriria

Hands off!!!!

I have searched the depths of my inner most being.

I have found things there that shouldn't belong.

Things that have been stored and rotting away

as time moves in all its patient glory.

I have ransacked the memories in my mind and

relived my past. Things that caused me pain and

destroyed bits and pieces of me at a time. Things

that cause me to drown myself in a pool of tears.

I then made my way to my heart. My poor, poor

hearts and stood face to face with her. Her semblance

surprised me; shocked me.

I reached out to hold her but she jumped away from my grasp. I have never seen her this way before. So sad, so bruised, so tired and bleeding. I sat down in front of her and told her how much I love her, how much I need her, how important she was to me.

She shook her head and said in a quite voice " I don't believe you. I have been so faithful to you. When you hurt I am the one that absorbs the pain. When you are tired and need rest, I keep vigil so you won't perish, so you won't have to. I live my life so that you can because it is the very rhythm of my life that keeps you going and still you cause me harm. I am your guardian. Why can you be mine?"

I sat there astonished. Enlightened and mesmerized by the words she spoke. Every word, each sentence were like daggers to my very soul.

"All I need" she continued with tears of pain making a path down her weary and worn cheeks, "all I want is for you to love me."

It was then that I held her. It was then that I was able to wash her, to cleanse her wounds and mend her back together again.

It wasn't easy but it was no impossible.

Now as I smile I know she does as well. She is my best friend and I will protect her from all harm.

She belongs only to me.

Have you spoken to your heart lately?

Just keep'n it real real

It doesn’t matter what people thing of you but what God thinks of you. Some people try to keep up appearances in front of others when all they are doing is being foolish and immature. Why play a part if all you are doing is living a lie? It’s so frustrating when you know the truth about people and all they do is lie to everyone about who they really are. Just because things change in your life doesn’t mean that people will look at you differently. Life goes on. Things change and people change. We are so stuck on living the path that has been set for us by so many others that have walked this journey before us. What about what God really wants for you? What about what His plans in your life? Doesn’t that matter anymore? Statistics say that we are who we are because of what we are but God, the ultimate creator, the one who breathed life into us has his own plan for each of His own. Are you not one of his own? Where has life journey taken you? Are we to be content with what lies ahead of us simply because it’s the only path we know to take?

Move on

I have never been understood in my life. I have never truly lived. Just existed. Nevertheless I always held onto my dreams and the hope that one day my dreams were going to be a reality. It was all I had to look forward to. However, I have realized that dreams are just that. A desire to bring to life, a yearn, a desire a picture or a fantasy in one’s mind.

Reality can be cruel and painful but in it lays the truth of who we really are. Sometimes we just have to let go and leave our dreams in bed, open our eyes to the reality that confronts us and even though we are torn up inside and tears threaten our eyes…we must move on.

Life is never easy.

I am a Mother!

There are so many things I think about. So many mind-boggling things that imprison m thought. Then there are those things that I want to be, that I want to become that sometimes just seem unreachable. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This was the question my teachers back at John F. Hylan School Ps.257 use to make us write about. But teachers…that then has become a now and I don’t want to be an animal doctor because I have a dog and he is a pain, I don’t want to be a doctor or a nurse because I know people can be a pain and I don’t want to be a teacher because believe me I know children can be a pain.

I did become something. Something I love and not many people know about. This has become my passion, joy and entertainment in which I find true contentment. I often heard the common phrase, “A picture says a thousand words.” Yeah, for those who can’t read! I find that this is often said by people who don’t like to read, don’t know how to read really well, or just can’t comprehend what they are reading. Sorry needed to vent.

I became a mother at the age of ten. My mind was still developing; my heart was untouched by malice, guilt, pain. All I know was what I did know. I had my first child when I was in the fifth grade. No one understood why then and no one understands the way now. 20 years have passed since my first child, since my first inspiration, since my own creation and still I keep conceiving. It’s me, it’s my life, its’ my entire being. Abortion is not an option in my world!!

I became a writer because my voice was not being heard.

I became a poet to express my most inner thought and feelings.

I became a raconteur so that I can live the life of my characters, to enter new worlds, to explore new cultured in the great and beautiful places of my imagination.

I became a mother!!!!

I love not to worry about anything else when I dip myself into the swimming pool in the depths of my instrument. Sometimes I just want to get away from it all and escape into the furthest corner in my mind. To take a vacation into the chambers of my heart and reminisce upon all the stories, all the memories, all the love that is stored away in there like a treasure waiting to be discovered, waiting to be unburied. After all I am just a writer in my own world. To everybody else I am just another face in the rainbow. It is said that one must believe in oneself. I do. But sometimes I get so tired of believing. There is so much to believe in. Believe in God, believe in your family, friends, believe in this justice system, believe in life…just believe. When I was younger my mom use to tell me “Mira nena, todo es possible si puedes creer.” There is even a song like that we would sing all the time at La Iglesia. My life is one rhythm, a routine.

Like a butterfly, I came out of a cocoon beautiful in my own thoughts and feelings opening up a fountain of emotions. Forget my outer appearance for that has no value. It is like a painting hanged in a museum for all to see. You say your opinion of it and keep walking. But who I truly am is deep within me. I do not live or speak in my own conceits. To be conceited is to be selfish and that is not possible. How can that be possible if you are reading this…if you are reading my heart and my mind? How can that be possible if you are reading the words I write with my own blood?

The red river which runs through my body is what I write with
It flows into the depths of my instrument all the way to its tip
It meets the paper with a long sweet, sensual kiss
Lingering if wanted for more

I do not speak with my voice, I speak with my hands. There are ten strong words my hands speak….each hand five words…each finger speaking its own language.

Love will see you through.

Never let go of your dreams no matter how far they seem
Even when reality knocks on your door and laughs in your face
When emotions are running away from you and you can no longer hold back
When things seem to always be going in the wrong direction
Never let go of who you are not matter how painful it may be to live
Even when you feel as if you are not who you want to be
When the mirror looks back at you taunting you and mocking you
When things seem so obscured and your vision may blur
Never let go of hope because it is the only thing that keeps you going
Even when things seems to crazy and nothing seems right
When your world is turned upside down and tears seem no more
When all you want to do is disappear into nothingness
Never let go of Love because Love will never let go of you.
He will always be there even when we see no one around
Love will always see you through.
John 3:16

The Ghost

I am being haunted. Now you may think this to be a silly thing but hear me out for a bit. A little over two weeks ago my dad was hospitalized. Many of you know this and for some of you it will be new news. This not being the first time my dad is hospitalized; I really didn’t have an expected reaction. Some, like my sisters, were overcome with fear and others were distraught. I never really have a normal reaction. You see, I am a super calm person. I can never act or over react. My reactions to crisis are what would seem like indifference or just plain coldness. I have never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. However, looks can always be deceiving. I may not react on the outside but let me tell you on the inside it feels as if I have ransacked by a tornado. I really can’t speak to anyone about my feelings because its hard to express with words how I feel. I desire to get to that level with my sisters but things have been so….hmm….strained I guess. So here I am in front of this screen and somehow its so easy to pour myself into this blank page…or screen – however you want to look at it.

Now back to the beginning. I miss my dad so much. I miss his jokes that are not so funny but since he laughs at them they are. I miss the sounds his sandals make when he walks passed my room. I miss the way he shouts my name even if I am just in the other room. I miss being bullied to make coffee at odd hours of the day. Hec, I miss him even bothering my poor old dog and making him growl and bark until he is out of breath. And oh my God do I miss him playing his guitar. I am one of the empty rooms in my home right now writing this and I look up and see the guitar being haunted by loneliness and I so can relate to that. There are few people that can touch us, few that understand us and those that can are not always around. I am being haunted by memories of him here with us. It’s where he belongs.

I believe in God. I believe in His mercy and grace but sometimes in my heart there is so much pain that I can’t see past it and yet I keep living. I keep yearning for peace and love and all that makes life so much more worthwhile. I have not been the perfect daughter…far from it really but in my heart there is a love so deep for the two people that mean the world to me. My mom and dad. The Angels that God gifted to my sisters, brother and I. We have been so fortunate to have them.

I went to see my dad today. It took everything in me not to cry. That’s how it is all the time. My strength is needed in these times. It’s been so hard to remain calm. It’s been so hard to remain strong. It’s been almost out of my reach to remain dried eye. How I wish to bury myself in the pain that is tearing my heart into bits and pieces. How I wish for freedom. How I wish to be understood and love for who I am and not who people think I am. How I yearn to feel at home in my own home.

I need to be allowed to live. Please don’t hold me back any longer. Set me free. Love me till I am no longer.