Tu me has salvado

mi amor, te busco
te busco con los ojos de mi corazón
eres lo que más anhelo, lo que más quiero
eres la ispiración de mís dias
el que hace vibrar mi vida
el unico que puedes seducirme de tal manera
que no puedo resistir
eres el que forma en mís labios una sonrisa
el que colma mi ser de gozo y alegría

no podría vivir sin ti
sin ti dejaría de respirar
sin ti mi vida seria una eterna desilución
sin ti mis ojos no cesarían de brotar lagrimas
de dolor, soledad, tristesas

sin tu presensenia
sin tu amor
sin tu comprención
sin tu tenura
sin tu perdón
sin tu aliento

ciertamente moriria

Hands off!!!!

I have searched the depths of my inner most being.

I have found things there that shouldn't belong.

Things that have been stored and rotting away

as time moves in all its patient glory.

I have ransacked the memories in my mind and

relived my past. Things that caused me pain and

destroyed bits and pieces of me at a time. Things

that cause me to drown myself in a pool of tears.

I then made my way to my heart. My poor, poor

hearts and stood face to face with her. Her semblance

surprised me; shocked me.

I reached out to hold her but she jumped away from my grasp. I have never seen her this way before. So sad, so bruised, so tired and bleeding. I sat down in front of her and told her how much I love her, how much I need her, how important she was to me.

She shook her head and said in a quite voice " I don't believe you. I have been so faithful to you. When you hurt I am the one that absorbs the pain. When you are tired and need rest, I keep vigil so you won't perish, so you won't have to. I live my life so that you can because it is the very rhythm of my life that keeps you going and still you cause me harm. I am your guardian. Why can you be mine?"

I sat there astonished. Enlightened and mesmerized by the words she spoke. Every word, each sentence were like daggers to my very soul.

"All I need" she continued with tears of pain making a path down her weary and worn cheeks, "all I want is for you to love me."

It was then that I held her. It was then that I was able to wash her, to cleanse her wounds and mend her back together again.

It wasn't easy but it was no impossible.

Now as I smile I know she does as well. She is my best friend and I will protect her from all harm.

She belongs only to me.

Have you spoken to your heart lately?

Just keep'n it real real

It doesn’t matter what people thing of you but what God thinks of you. Some people try to keep up appearances in front of others when all they are doing is being foolish and immature. Why play a part if all you are doing is living a lie? It’s so frustrating when you know the truth about people and all they do is lie to everyone about who they really are. Just because things change in your life doesn’t mean that people will look at you differently. Life goes on. Things change and people change. We are so stuck on living the path that has been set for us by so many others that have walked this journey before us. What about what God really wants for you? What about what His plans in your life? Doesn’t that matter anymore? Statistics say that we are who we are because of what we are but God, the ultimate creator, the one who breathed life into us has his own plan for each of His own. Are you not one of his own? Where has life journey taken you? Are we to be content with what lies ahead of us simply because it’s the only path we know to take?

Move on

I have never been understood in my life. I have never truly lived. Just existed. Nevertheless I always held onto my dreams and the hope that one day my dreams were going to be a reality. It was all I had to look forward to. However, I have realized that dreams are just that. A desire to bring to life, a yearn, a desire a picture or a fantasy in one’s mind.

Reality can be cruel and painful but in it lays the truth of who we really are. Sometimes we just have to let go and leave our dreams in bed, open our eyes to the reality that confronts us and even though we are torn up inside and tears threaten our eyes…we must move on.

Life is never easy.

I am a Mother!

There are so many things I think about. So many mind-boggling things that imprison m thought. Then there are those things that I want to be, that I want to become that sometimes just seem unreachable. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This was the question my teachers back at John F. Hylan School Ps.257 use to make us write about. But teachers…that then has become a now and I don’t want to be an animal doctor because I have a dog and he is a pain, I don’t want to be a doctor or a nurse because I know people can be a pain and I don’t want to be a teacher because believe me I know children can be a pain.

I did become something. Something I love and not many people know about. This has become my passion, joy and entertainment in which I find true contentment. I often heard the common phrase, “A picture says a thousand words.” Yeah, for those who can’t read! I find that this is often said by people who don’t like to read, don’t know how to read really well, or just can’t comprehend what they are reading. Sorry needed to vent.

I became a mother at the age of ten. My mind was still developing; my heart was untouched by malice, guilt, pain. All I know was what I did know. I had my first child when I was in the fifth grade. No one understood why then and no one understands the way now. 20 years have passed since my first child, since my first inspiration, since my own creation and still I keep conceiving. It’s me, it’s my life, its’ my entire being. Abortion is not an option in my world!!

I became a writer because my voice was not being heard.

I became a poet to express my most inner thought and feelings.

I became a raconteur so that I can live the life of my characters, to enter new worlds, to explore new cultured in the great and beautiful places of my imagination.

I became a mother!!!!

I love not to worry about anything else when I dip myself into the swimming pool in the depths of my instrument. Sometimes I just want to get away from it all and escape into the furthest corner in my mind. To take a vacation into the chambers of my heart and reminisce upon all the stories, all the memories, all the love that is stored away in there like a treasure waiting to be discovered, waiting to be unburied. After all I am just a writer in my own world. To everybody else I am just another face in the rainbow. It is said that one must believe in oneself. I do. But sometimes I get so tired of believing. There is so much to believe in. Believe in God, believe in your family, friends, believe in this justice system, believe in life…just believe. When I was younger my mom use to tell me “Mira nena, todo es possible si puedes creer.” There is even a song like that we would sing all the time at La Iglesia. My life is one rhythm, a routine.

Like a butterfly, I came out of a cocoon beautiful in my own thoughts and feelings opening up a fountain of emotions. Forget my outer appearance for that has no value. It is like a painting hanged in a museum for all to see. You say your opinion of it and keep walking. But who I truly am is deep within me. I do not live or speak in my own conceits. To be conceited is to be selfish and that is not possible. How can that be possible if you are reading this…if you are reading my heart and my mind? How can that be possible if you are reading the words I write with my own blood?

The red river which runs through my body is what I write with
It flows into the depths of my instrument all the way to its tip
It meets the paper with a long sweet, sensual kiss
Lingering if wanted for more

I do not speak with my voice, I speak with my hands. There are ten strong words my hands speak….each hand five words…each finger speaking its own language.

Love will see you through.

Never let go of your dreams no matter how far they seem
Even when reality knocks on your door and laughs in your face
When emotions are running away from you and you can no longer hold back
When things seem to always be going in the wrong direction
Never let go of who you are not matter how painful it may be to live
Even when you feel as if you are not who you want to be
When the mirror looks back at you taunting you and mocking you
When things seem so obscured and your vision may blur
Never let go of hope because it is the only thing that keeps you going
Even when things seems to crazy and nothing seems right
When your world is turned upside down and tears seem no more
When all you want to do is disappear into nothingness
Never let go of Love because Love will never let go of you.
He will always be there even when we see no one around
Love will always see you through.
John 3:16

The Ghost

I am being haunted. Now you may think this to be a silly thing but hear me out for a bit. A little over two weeks ago my dad was hospitalized. Many of you know this and for some of you it will be new news. This not being the first time my dad is hospitalized; I really didn’t have an expected reaction. Some, like my sisters, were overcome with fear and others were distraught. I never really have a normal reaction. You see, I am a super calm person. I can never act or over react. My reactions to crisis are what would seem like indifference or just plain coldness. I have never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. However, looks can always be deceiving. I may not react on the outside but let me tell you on the inside it feels as if I have ransacked by a tornado. I really can’t speak to anyone about my feelings because its hard to express with words how I feel. I desire to get to that level with my sisters but things have been so….hmm….strained I guess. So here I am in front of this screen and somehow its so easy to pour myself into this blank page…or screen – however you want to look at it.

Now back to the beginning. I miss my dad so much. I miss his jokes that are not so funny but since he laughs at them they are. I miss the sounds his sandals make when he walks passed my room. I miss the way he shouts my name even if I am just in the other room. I miss being bullied to make coffee at odd hours of the day. Hec, I miss him even bothering my poor old dog and making him growl and bark until he is out of breath. And oh my God do I miss him playing his guitar. I am one of the empty rooms in my home right now writing this and I look up and see the guitar being haunted by loneliness and I so can relate to that. There are few people that can touch us, few that understand us and those that can are not always around. I am being haunted by memories of him here with us. It’s where he belongs.

I believe in God. I believe in His mercy and grace but sometimes in my heart there is so much pain that I can’t see past it and yet I keep living. I keep yearning for peace and love and all that makes life so much more worthwhile. I have not been the perfect daughter…far from it really but in my heart there is a love so deep for the two people that mean the world to me. My mom and dad. The Angels that God gifted to my sisters, brother and I. We have been so fortunate to have them.

I went to see my dad today. It took everything in me not to cry. That’s how it is all the time. My strength is needed in these times. It’s been so hard to remain calm. It’s been so hard to remain strong. It’s been almost out of my reach to remain dried eye. How I wish to bury myself in the pain that is tearing my heart into bits and pieces. How I wish for freedom. How I wish to be understood and love for who I am and not who people think I am. How I yearn to feel at home in my own home.

I need to be allowed to live. Please don’t hold me back any longer. Set me free. Love me till I am no longer.

I love you!

My smile had faded.

In its place was a frown that dared to touch deep within my heart.

It penetrated the walls there and made a home in each of its four chambers

Words can never be sufficient to express such emotions

The feeling of loss, pain and betrayal

Unbearable

The feeling of losing a piece of yourself each time

The feeling of nothing ever being the same

The feeling of having to start over yet again

Until you have an awakening

You realize that this was just a test

Of not who you are but the person you need to be

You begin to reconstruct

And slowly you begin to regain consciousness

And realize that life is so much better when you are smiling

When you are living and not just existing

When you love and allow yourself to be loved

When you can trust yourself and others

You awake to a new and better you

And you fall in love with YOURSELF

And whisper …….I love you.

Snow!?

I wake up my usual time to go to work and begin my daily ritual. I wake up before my alarm clock rings, wait till it rings then sluggishly pull my warm cozy blankets off of my body and always, always I swing my legs off the bed first and hang them on the side. Then reluctantly, I sit myself up. My Dog, who has been with me forever, then gets up, yawns and gives my legs a good morning rub.

I feel a need to confess. I am not a morning person. Never was and I can guarantee, never will be. However, since there are bills that need to be paid and my stomach protests when it hasn’t had enough food, I tread on.

The bathroom always seems so far away even if it is just right across from my room. I try not to make much noise. My Parents are playing a symphony of the snores just down the hall. It takes me a while to wake but after a shower and a nice hot cup of strong coffee, I am not only awake, but a totally different person. Even my Dog notices and begins to follow me around the house cautiously just in case I have a set back into grouch land.

I am glad it is dress down Friday and I plan a comfortable outfit that is in between dressy and sporty also known as casual and get dressed in less than 15 minutes. This honestly, is a record because usually I take longer just staring into my closet.

I tiptoe down the hallway making a left at the end of it to head to the kitchen. I set my mother’s heat-up-coffee small pot with water and three eggs to boil. Now, an explanation is in order. I do not eat three eggs. I am not what you call an egg lover. But are you forgetting I have a Dog? Usually I eat about half and give him half as well. That spoiled pooch.

If I may go off on a tangent right now because I know feeding eggs to my dog may raise some questions. When I first got my Dog from my oldest sister who at the time resided in Connecticut, I was working. I would buy him Pedigree dog food, wet and dry. Since I was working he would stay home with my parents. Now, my parents are not particular animal lovers but they do have a very generous and loving heart. Being that my dog Buttons, has mastered the art of begging with a very convincing I am so starving look, my mom would give him food from the table. I think many people will agree with me when I say that once you give a dog table food he no longer wishes to eat the one that is actually made for him. That was about 13 years ago. He is a very stubborn dog.

Okay, okay so back on track. Hmm, had to scroll back up to see where I left off. Oh, right, I was eating 1 egg and a half. I usually make coffee around this time. I make enough so that I can leave some for my mom and dad. However, today I opted not to. I was in dire need of my favorite Dunkin Donuts coffee. A medium with cream and three spenda’s please. My dad who has just returned from a physical rehabilitation center this past Monday, after being very sick for three months, is awake by this time checking out my clothing just in case he has to identify me to the police in the case that something happens to me. He doesn’t say this but I already know. My mom comes strolling in a few minutes after and they are both really surprised that there is no aroma of coffee in the air. I tell them that I will buy a cup when I get to my destination and that answer seemed to satisfy both of them. They know how important a cup of coffee is to my exsitance.

I eat, feed the eternally hungry dog and try to hunt down my coat and scarf. I always wonder to myself, where did I put my coat and scarf last? The question should be, where did my mom move my coat and scarf to now? I find it in about five minutes after going into the living room, guest room and find it on the futon in what I like to call my Computer room (in reality it’s just where I usually use and leave my laptop). Which may I add, is definitely not where I had left it last. I put on my plaid coat with a soft fleece scarf; grab my bag filled with things to eat such as my lunch, fruit and a bottle of water and head down the five steps towards the door.

That’s when it all happened. I opened the door and stopped dead in my tracks. I had heard on 10:10 wins that morning that today was the first day of Spring. It had put a little spring in my step…get it…spring? But to my astonishment, it was snowing!! I couldn’t believe it. Not like we haven’t had some crazy whether situations but nowhere in the weather forecast had it mentioned snow. I was not ready for this. Not at all. I have to leave my home at a certain time or miss my train. So you see, it was either turn around to get an umbrella or miss my train. I figured a few flurries were not going to harm me so I opted to shut the door behind me and put on a brave front. That was my big mistake.

While I was walking the three blocks to the L train station it was both cold and windy but not unbearable. My favorite song playing on my IPod seemed to lessen the frustration I was feeling about the unexpected weather. I mouthed the lyrics of “Wrap me in your arms” by Freddy Rodriguez and walked at a medium pace. I love that song. So inspiring. My mood was lightened by the time I began descending the steps that will lead me to the train. I swiped my 7-day unlimited Metro Card and went on my way. The train wasn’t packed and to my surprised I was able to find a seat. The second train was on time and it was as if it was waiting for my arrival. It was a lovely ride as I listened to some more of my favorite tunes.

When I reached my destination I ascending the stairs with joy in my heart knowing that in just a few moments my mouth will have its first taste of glory in a medium sized cup. You know that saying about good things always coming to an end? I can so testify to that because when I reached the top of the stairs what greeted me was a revenge of the snowflakes I so criticized before. It looked like a wintery storm. It was windy, wet, icy and cold. Which may I add, did not amuse me. I looked up to the heavens and told Him...”You know what God? This is not funny.”

With my cup of coffee in my hand and beaten by the snow, I walked into my office and took my usual seat at my desk.

In an hour or two the craziness ended and the Sun tried its best to clean up the mess.

That’s how it is in our lives. Sometimes we are confronted with unexpected, unwanted and unneeded surprises. We must go through certain things in our lives that alter our world and threaten our universe. No matter what we must always keep in mind that trials, and tribulations don’t last forever. That what we go through is not a test of who we are but of who we are to be. We must walk steadily on and confront each God given day with courage and strength. Above all we must always remember to smile.

Until next time my friends.

A fork in the road

I want to die
I want to feel death near to me
I am to tired of living to tired to want to live
just..... tired
I want to feel death vibrating throughout my entire
body I want to hear him screaming in my ear
It hurts to live

It hurts

hurts

pain

Please don’t hold on to me anymore don’t love me anymore
just set me free
at least you’ll live to forget me
but me.... time has become my enemy it taunts me,
moving ever so slowly as to prolong my suffering
My smile is a farce
Oh how it hurts to be me
feel my pain feel my anguish feel my suffering
my despair my desperation
are you willing to watch me deteriorate into pure nothingness?
Then WHY won’t you set me free?
Don’t you know that death is only the beginning?
Set me free let me embrace death without guilt
so that I can truly be free
so that I can begin to live.
Set me free
Set
me
FREE
please