The Ghost

I am being haunted. Now you may think this to be a silly thing but hear me out for a bit. A little over two weeks ago my dad was hospitalized. Many of you know this and for some of you it will be new news. This not being the first time my dad is hospitalized; I really didn’t have an expected reaction. Some, like my sisters, were overcome with fear and others were distraught. I never really have a normal reaction. You see, I am a super calm person. I can never act or over react. My reactions to crisis are what would seem like indifference or just plain coldness. I have never been one to wear my emotions on my sleeve. However, looks can always be deceiving. I may not react on the outside but let me tell you on the inside it feels as if I have ransacked by a tornado. I really can’t speak to anyone about my feelings because its hard to express with words how I feel. I desire to get to that level with my sisters but things have been so….hmm….strained I guess. So here I am in front of this screen and somehow its so easy to pour myself into this blank page…or screen – however you want to look at it.

Now back to the beginning. I miss my dad so much. I miss his jokes that are not so funny but since he laughs at them they are. I miss the sounds his sandals make when he walks passed my room. I miss the way he shouts my name even if I am just in the other room. I miss being bullied to make coffee at odd hours of the day. Hec, I miss him even bothering my poor old dog and making him growl and bark until he is out of breath. And oh my God do I miss him playing his guitar. I am one of the empty rooms in my home right now writing this and I look up and see the guitar being haunted by loneliness and I so can relate to that. There are few people that can touch us, few that understand us and those that can are not always around. I am being haunted by memories of him here with us. It’s where he belongs.

I believe in God. I believe in His mercy and grace but sometimes in my heart there is so much pain that I can’t see past it and yet I keep living. I keep yearning for peace and love and all that makes life so much more worthwhile. I have not been the perfect daughter…far from it really but in my heart there is a love so deep for the two people that mean the world to me. My mom and dad. The Angels that God gifted to my sisters, brother and I. We have been so fortunate to have them.

I went to see my dad today. It took everything in me not to cry. That’s how it is all the time. My strength is needed in these times. It’s been so hard to remain calm. It’s been so hard to remain strong. It’s been almost out of my reach to remain dried eye. How I wish to bury myself in the pain that is tearing my heart into bits and pieces. How I wish for freedom. How I wish to be understood and love for who I am and not who people think I am. How I yearn to feel at home in my own home.

I need to be allowed to live. Please don’t hold me back any longer. Set me free. Love me till I am no longer.