I am a Mother!

There are so many things I think about. So many mind-boggling things that imprison m thought. Then there are those things that I want to be, that I want to become that sometimes just seem unreachable. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This was the question my teachers back at John F. Hylan School Ps.257 use to make us write about. But teachers…that then has become a now and I don’t want to be an animal doctor because I have a dog and he is a pain, I don’t want to be a doctor or a nurse because I know people can be a pain and I don’t want to be a teacher because believe me I know children can be a pain.

I did become something. Something I love and not many people know about. This has become my passion, joy and entertainment in which I find true contentment. I often heard the common phrase, “A picture says a thousand words.” Yeah, for those who can’t read! I find that this is often said by people who don’t like to read, don’t know how to read really well, or just can’t comprehend what they are reading. Sorry needed to vent.

I became a mother at the age of ten. My mind was still developing; my heart was untouched by malice, guilt, pain. All I know was what I did know. I had my first child when I was in the fifth grade. No one understood why then and no one understands the way now. 20 years have passed since my first child, since my first inspiration, since my own creation and still I keep conceiving. It’s me, it’s my life, its’ my entire being. Abortion is not an option in my world!!

I became a writer because my voice was not being heard.

I became a poet to express my most inner thought and feelings.

I became a raconteur so that I can live the life of my characters, to enter new worlds, to explore new cultured in the great and beautiful places of my imagination.

I became a mother!!!!

I love not to worry about anything else when I dip myself into the swimming pool in the depths of my instrument. Sometimes I just want to get away from it all and escape into the furthest corner in my mind. To take a vacation into the chambers of my heart and reminisce upon all the stories, all the memories, all the love that is stored away in there like a treasure waiting to be discovered, waiting to be unburied. After all I am just a writer in my own world. To everybody else I am just another face in the rainbow. It is said that one must believe in oneself. I do. But sometimes I get so tired of believing. There is so much to believe in. Believe in God, believe in your family, friends, believe in this justice system, believe in life…just believe. When I was younger my mom use to tell me “Mira nena, todo es possible si puedes creer.” There is even a song like that we would sing all the time at La Iglesia. My life is one rhythm, a routine.

Like a butterfly, I came out of a cocoon beautiful in my own thoughts and feelings opening up a fountain of emotions. Forget my outer appearance for that has no value. It is like a painting hanged in a museum for all to see. You say your opinion of it and keep walking. But who I truly am is deep within me. I do not live or speak in my own conceits. To be conceited is to be selfish and that is not possible. How can that be possible if you are reading this…if you are reading my heart and my mind? How can that be possible if you are reading the words I write with my own blood?

The red river which runs through my body is what I write with
It flows into the depths of my instrument all the way to its tip
It meets the paper with a long sweet, sensual kiss
Lingering if wanted for more

I do not speak with my voice, I speak with my hands. There are ten strong words my hands speak….each hand five words…each finger speaking its own language.