There was no time here. The waiting was long and torturous, almost unbearable. The butterflies in my stomach must’ve been doing back flips and all sort of stunts and I could not stop shaking. I was next on line and not long after, it was my turn. The helpers handed him the Book. I could not even believe I was standing here. Right before him. If ever I needed sunglasses it would most likely be now. He was radiant shining in his own light, beautiful in his own glory. The Sun was not even a comparison to his splendor. His smile was grim when he set his eyes on me. I cringed and balled my hands into fists because I felt him look right through me, right into the depths of my soul, my very being. I felt his eyes search the farthest corner of my mind, the depths of my thoughts and even the chambers of my heart. All those secrets I buried all of the things I had hidden there He then saw. I felt totally and utterly naked. The helper to his left silently and slowly shook his head.
I settled my eyes on the book. It cracked as he was opening it and the sound filled my heart. All was silent not even a flap of an Angel wing was heard. The silence was buzzing in my ear almost annoyingly bringing me almost to the brink of insanity. When the book was finally opened, he began to flip through the pages. I sweated a drop of sweat for each page that flipped. The first law here was order so it wouldn’t surprise me if the names were listed alphabetically. It was a book unlike any other I ever saw or read. It was huge and it appeared to me as if it was made of gold. It looked heavy and the pages in it were many, maybe innumerous to my kind. I began to wonder why was he taking so long? I took a look behind me and looked into so many faces. The expressions I saw there are an unforgettable testimony of fear, some of happiness, confusion, contentment, and even anger. I had never in my life seen so many people crying. I looked to my right and my eyes rested upon what had started all of this. A whole row of golden trumpets, an Angel hard at work putting them away. I tore my gaze away from that sight feeling almost within me a wave of nausea. It was then that His finger stopped and rested in the middle of a page I looked up at him expectantly and almost for one moment I thought I saw him hesitate, I thought I saw pain, and anguish in his semblance. Could that have been a tear forming in the tail of his eyes? It was then that He looked at me silent and still for many moments. His eyes filled with a pool of love and loss. Then as fast as a second goes by his eyes changed and all that emotion I saw there just a moment ago was gone. He cleared his throat as though he needed a moment and his finger slid across the page. My mouth fell to the ground in anticipation as the words he spoke filled the heavens and with a voice as loud as roaring waves in an ocean he opened his mouth and said.
“ I found your name.”
I can not explain with words what I felt. The multitude behind me applauded and cheered. Tears fell from my eyes like the Niagara Falls. I looked up at him to thank him but I noticed a weird look in his eyes, his expression had not changed. With one flick of his finger two Archangels came down toward me and each grabbed me by my upper arms. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. The smile in my heart faded along with the smile on my face. He then stood up and it was then, at that very moment looking up at him that I realized that I was nothing, that my life was meaningless. I wanted to fall on my knees but the Angels did not permit me to do so. He’s so unexplainable. Right away a whole celestial army of angles stood behind him, Querubines, Serafines, his Archangels all positioned by rank. Millions upon millions, uncountable. Where did they all come from? I began to cry and scream and beg for permission to let me fall on my knees because I felt I was slowly and painfully melting away. I could not stand to be in the presence of such purity, of such holiness, of such perfection, of such infinite power, of such deity and majesty. Immediately like a light bulb illuminates a dark room, I thought about the Catechism of Westminster in which I read when I was studying Systematics and Bible Theology my third year at the Bible Institute. In this book Westminster tries to define God. He said, “God is spirit, infinite, eternal, inimitable in his being, in his knowledge, in his power, holiness, justice, kindness, and truth. It’s not until now that I finally comprehend what that meant and at that very moment I wanted to run and hide. I turned my head to my left and then to my right and spoke to these two magnificent creatures. I didn’t know if it was my imagination or that these splendid creatures shined brighter then a star. My eyes hurt just by looking at them. Their wings were gigantic and almost as tall as they were. My voice came out so small and shaky almost unheard.
“Please, please, just let me go. Give me a chance. “I begged.
The Angels just looked ahead, almost as if waiting for the next order. As if I had just not spoken. I looked at him and tears came to my eyes again and I began to talk to him low at first and then faster and louder as each word rolled of my tongue.
“I’m sorry, my Lord but you must know how much I love you. You must have seen my struggles. I’ve been through so much. Those things that I have hidden, in the chambers of my heart, in the farthest corner of my brain, in the abyss of my thoughts, all those things that burned a whole straight through my heart you know. Those tears I’ve cried alone in my room at night with no one to hear me or see me, you saw. The battles I fought. The good deeds I did. The positions I had in church, the activities, the salidas, doesn’t that count? I know sometimes I was confused but I did want to serve you, you should know that. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t turn your back on me. You’re a God of second chances and now I am asking you for one.”
Silence surrounded me. It enveloped me like fog does on a foggy night. I do not know how long silence rung in the air but it felt to me like an eternity. It seemed to me as if there was no rushing here as though an hour was like a minute and a minute like a second but patience just didn’t exist for me right now. We looked at each other and our tears fell at the same time and I was able to hear the pitter-patter of each of them as they touched the floor. I looked at him from head to toe. And when my eyes touched his hands, I saw them, and reality hit me hard and my knees buckled and it was then that the Angles let me go. He then spoke to me, my face in my hands; I began to sob my shoulders shaking for I was ashamed, embarrassed for I knew within me the why.
He began to story, “I planted you in your mother’s womb. I played with you there. When you were born I was there. I was the one that first held you. I was the one that calmed your first cry when you came into the world. It was me whom tickled you when no one was around and your mom laughed proudly. When you took your first step I was there. Whose arms you thought they were? When you said your first word I clapped loudly, your mom thought you were going through your first thunderstorm. I was the one that turned your nightmares into sweet dreams. On your first day of school I was sitting right beside you on that blue chair and you use to talk to me and everybody thought you were so creative and had an active imagination because you had an imaginary friend. Remember you named me Joe? I attended your kindergarten graduation. I was the one in the last row with a big smile on my face. I was the one who calmed your tears and soothed your fears when you’re little brother was born and no one seemed to pay any attention to you because he was the only boy and you were the seventh girl. Don’t you remember how I stroked your hair when you were crying, until you’d finally fall to sleep and I’d whispered in your ear, don’t worry she’s still your mommy and they all still love you? I celebrated with you when you were ten in the fifth grade and you wrote your first book and I was there when you were singing the star spangled banner in your fifth grade graduation. I was there when you got baptized. I wanted to make it special so I changed things around so that you can get baptized on your twelfth birthday. I was there when you sang a solo at your eight-grade graduation and I was the one that cried tears of sadness when you went to your prom. Why do you think it was raining that day? I was the one that help you through High School when you thought you were not going to graduate because you got sick that year and missed a lot of days and when you graduated you cried tears of joy and I couldn’t have been happier. I was the one that allowed your poems to be published. I was the one that allowed you to sing. I was the one to comfort you and I filled that void when your so-called first love broke your heart. I was there to mend it back together with my Holy Spirit super glue.
“Couldn’t you see how much I loved you? I tried so hard to make it clear. I whispered it in the air and in the rustling of the trees. I caressed your hair and your face gently with the winds breezes. I sang it in a bird’s song, I screamed it in a thunderstorm, and I flashed it in lightning. I did everything just to get your attention! But my efforts were in vain. I shed my blood for you. I could’ve escaped, I could’ve decided not to. But I didn’t.”
I watch Him as he began to pace back and fort. His words were like a double-edged sword as he began to ponder me, sear me, cut me, inside out with the truth.
“ It’s been years since I made you, years that I loved you more than words can say and I had never left you even though you were unfaithful to me, even though you broke my heart. I never had forsaken you not once even though countless times you’ve forsaken me. I had my hopes set high on you. I made so many plans with you that I never could complete. I thought about you from that time that I created this world. I bragged about you to my Angles. I put in your hand so many talents, gave you so many blessings. I even healed you from sicknesses you never thought you had. I watched every step you took and sent my Angles to protect you when you were in danger. Do you know how many bullets I stopped from coming your way? Are you aware of the times I scared away people that were going to harm you? You never walked alone I was always there. Always was I there. “
There was silence again. A silence so intense I felt it penetrate my skin all the way to the marrow of my bones. For a long time nothing happened. All was still. Not even the air moved around me as though it was afraid to interrupt this silence.
Then he spoke and the words he said drained me ringed me of all hope.
“ All this I did for you and you remained unmoved. Well, I am sorry.”
I did not speak. I dared not to. Maybe because my mouth was so parched, or that my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth. He then turned his back on me as I had done so many times before and with his head down and sadness in his voice, He said seven words that vibrated throughout my entire body entering and exiting every pore…. Apart from me I know you not!
It echoed throughout my being. Shattering me to bits and pieces of nothingness. I protested screaming excuse after excuse after excuse but my efforts were in vain.
He turned to me when I cried, “ But my name, my name you said you found it in the book of life. He shook his head and I thought I saw pity flash in his eyes when He said, “ Yes I did but I scratched it out a long time ago.”
Shock and guilt overtook my body and for a moment I could not move. I felt as if I was turning inside out. He signaled to his helpers and at that moment I lunged forward to grab him, to touch him, to beg at his feet, but the Angels stood in front of him. Chances there were none.
With much screaming and kicking they grabbed me and started to drag me to a door. I tried everything to get loose but all that did was tire me to exhaustion. I looked back at Him one last time and notice how his shoulders sagged slightly, as he mouthed the words, “goodbye for ever.” My world as I knew it was forever gone and there was no one to blame but me.
I could not explain how that door looked even if I tried all I know is that once they got me there those two Angels vanished into thin air. I was not alone for a long time because that door opened and when it did I was forever lost and on my way down from Heaven flashed before me the lies I had told that week. How little I prayed. How lazy I got when it came to going to church. All those things I stole. How much I criticized people. How many boyfriends I had. The makeup I wore to work and talents unused. How disobedient I was to my parents sometimes. That for so many years I’ve wasted my life in church. So many, many, many things that at one time I thought it wouldn’t matter if I did them, things that I didn’t remember, and things that I didn’t want to remember. My entire life flashed before my eyes like a movie and I just wanted to die!
It was a while before I finally reached my destination passing hideous and horrible things that I never in my wildest imagination knew or wanted to know existed. And when I opened my eyes and took a look around me, I threw myself on my knees and prayed thanking God that all this was only a dream. And I knew and felt that at that very moment He was smiling down at me.
